Uncertainty — Pt. 1

There was a certain way he held himself, just then, that reminded me of my brother, a boy whose life was cut tragically short by the hand of our father. Such an odd thing to consider after so many years, especially so suddenly and concerning the man I’d fallen in love with. It occured to me, some time later, that perhaps I could’ve loved my brother that same way, if we’d been given the proper chance.

He caught my staring and the thoughtful, longing gaze I held, and smiled before he approached. The livingroom of the apartment we’d rented together was small with a wall dividing it from the kitchen, and largely consumed by two loveseats, a dining table, a television, and a coffee table. Space was limited, but we thought it rather cozy. I’d been sitting at the table while he read on the couch, book held open with both hands hovering over his proped head. He’d been enchanted by horrors, recently, though I couldn’t imagine why; his usual was a sinful ‘romance’ that practically oozed the fluids of sex read within it. I could never get through his novels; I found them far too embarrassing, and he found the blushes I displayed all too enticing. It was strange how I’d never noticed, before, the way his ankle would rest on the other leg’s knee and the position of his hands to keep the book splayed… my brother took this position, and the familiarity of it was shocking.

Jason, this man whom I’d fallen for, had glanced over without my realizing. I held in one hand a glass of wine, and in the other balanced my elbow so I could keep the glass within easy reach of my lips. I didn’t often drink wine, but we kept it for that rare occasion when the desire rose. He gave a soft chuckle, breaking my trance, and placed a bookmark between his pages before carefully setting it aside. He rose with an oddly graceful heft, his eyes locked on mine with fickle self-control. My blush rose, as I knew what was on his mind, and that my brother’s face was still on mine.

His lips met mine and he carried me to the couch to fuck. I say ‘fuck’ and not ‘make love’, because neither of us is gentle toward the other. Jason was a rough, dominant lover, and I enjoyed the bit of abuse he was willing to perform. It wasn’t until after this, my body a little bruised and reddened, tender, that he kissed me gently, his hands caressing instead of controlling~ The pain I lusted for made these moments all the sweeter.

Still, I could not look at this man without seeing my brother’s gaze in his, and I wondered if perhaps this thought hadn’t gotten me off quicker than usual.

“Are you okay, babe?”

Again, I was snapped from my reverie; I hadn’t noticed until that moment that Jason seemed concerned. I smiled. “I’m fine, just sleepy. Too much wine, I think.”

His gaze kept on mine for a few moments longer, then he gave his gently smirk. “Well, maybe I should get you to bed, hm?” He scooped me from the couch before I could argue, already carrying me off to the bedroom. He tucked me into my side of the king-size bed that only just fit between the bedroom walls and I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to look at Jason’s face, not while I couldn’t properly see it. I felt him linger for a few more moments before I heard him leave, closing the door behind him with a soft click. The television would go silent, and then I heard nothing beyond the bedroom.

Pulling the blankets up over my shoulders, I attempted to sleep, believing that a good rest might help. All of this was a little ridiculous, and just a bit too overwhelming for me to handle.

My brother — my TWIN brother — had been killed more than five years before, and until now it had been something I’d managed to accept. I loved my brother, but I knew grieving would do nothing to bring him back. Even at his funeral, I hadn’t cried as hard as I wanted to in this moment.

Perhaps something had finally broken in me and I was going insane…

OKAY. I’M BACK. Sort of.

I’m really terrible and take random leaves of absence from the internet.

I think this one may be over for a while.

Mostly.

I still don’t have my drawing board fixed, which makes me emo.  :(

But.

Not too much I can do about that.

It’s in the process of getting fixed, just hasn’t quite gotten there, yet.

Anyway.  >_>

I dunno wtf I’m doing anymore, so.  <3

milkforomo:

jdmandtherest:

unconditionallyjordan:

lol wutt

i cant believe i looked at all of these

Lololol, this is the best post I’ve seen in a while.  xDDDD

danceswhennooneslooking asked: I start my final draft tomorrow for my Senior Project and I just wanted to say thanks for helping me out again! Really appreciate it :D

Sure, no problem! Just don’t forget to show me, haha!